[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
dollars to build a giant Jesus statue in front of their church building; when Jena Anthony Barnhart Flowers Quickly Fading 110 heard this, she gasped and said, That s, like, nearly a thousand kids who can be fed! As I was new to the whole dating thing, I had Cameron show me the ins-and-outs. I mean, I hadn t actually asked her out yet, but it was known. At least, I thought so. Cameron told me matter-of-factly, Until it s sealed in words, it s just an idea. You need to make it official. I ve seen a lot of times where someone will think he s dating someone just because they re really, really good friends, and then when he leans in for the kiss smack. His words rattled me and for a few days I was petrified. What if she just saw me as a friend, a shoulder to lean on? What if she has no romantic interests in me? And worst of all, I feared that if she wasn t romantically interested in me, I wouldn t want to be with her. Was this shallowness? No, not at all. But there was just something so amazing and wonderful and even excruciatingly painful like you re in a moment and know it will end, and this thought depresses you when I was around her. If I would always be around her but always denied my heart& That was like being a dog with a stick pointing out of the collar with a bone dangling on the end. The dog keeps running, and running, and never gives up, and despite the exhaustion and the pain and the obstacles, it s always falling short. What it desires cannot be achieved. And this thought terrified me. Cameron said, You have to ask her, Man. You can t just& assume, you know? My heart was racing. I don t want to have been wrong these last two weeks. Well. You could be wrong for two weeks. Or three weeks. Or three months. Or- All right, I said. All right. I wished I could ve talked to Caleb, but& He was out-of-touch. Cameron said, Just ask her out on a date. Don t make it sound special or anything. Why not? Because if she thinks you guys are going out like you do, and she probably does, it s just to know for sure then she ll be like, Okay! But if she can t, she ll have a reasonable excuse and postpone. If she s not interested in you that way, it will come as a surprise and you ll be able to read it on her face. Anthony Barnhart Flowers Quickly Fading 111 Two days later she trotted across the street and I bought her the chocolate waffle cone. She chose a seat in the shade, as the temperatures were getting warmer with spring. The day was sunny and bright and wonderful, pure relief from the bitter cold and rain of the past Maine months. I have always been health conscious, to a certain degree, so I bought a fat-free snow cone, and as we talked and I ate the red slush I couldn t get myself to ask her out. I mean, until Cameron talked about it, it would ve been no problem. But doubts surged inside and cowardice held me back. As it was close to her time to leave, to head back to the nursery, I said, Screw it, to myself and said, Hey, do you want to go to Acadian Whale Watch with me? Me and you? She seemed to mull it over. I mean, I ve been having a lot of fun and stuff and I d like to know if you d like to go with me and- A smile crept over her lips and she laughed. What? Are you asking me out? Umm& yeah. She shook her head. We ve been going out since& Since the day I called you. Why do you think I called you? I let her words sink in and relief flooded over me. Saturday. Do you work? No. I mean, I won t. I have a sick day still available for this month. Take it, I said. She smiled and walked away with her own precarious bounce, chocolate hair flipping behind her. On Saturday I pulled up to the apartment block and got out of the car. I had been here many times before; sometimes her mom would cook for us. She called me the little hero, and her food bordered on cuisine. I opened the main door and ascended the flight of steps to their apartment number door, where I knocked a handful of times before Jena came out. She looked radiant. You look beautiful, I told her, absent of pretense. She blushed a moment then said, So. I ve never been whale watching before. Neither have I, I said, so I don t know what to expect. It was a beautiful twenty-minute drive to the seacoast. It took me some time to find the place, and when we got out, I locked the car and looked up at the sky, saw the brilliant plumes of pearl cumulus clouds stacking on the horizon, out over the ocean. Diamond water crashed on slick rocks and fishermen hauled nets and crates on and off boats at the piers. We walked past a beer-bellied fisherman Anthony Barnhart Flowers Quickly Fading 112 hacking at a fish and she stopped, watching in fascination as he deposited the head in a bucket and proceeded to skin it. She said it was so cool but I made sure she knew that we had an appointment. I showed the tickets at the entrance and we were loaded onto a yacht. There were two average American families and an older couple on board with us. Jena went right into conversation with them; she was an enigma and I was glad to be associated with her. As the boat settled out to sea, leaving the shoreline behind, I sat in a deck chair and watched Jena play with some little girls from one of the families. They were laughing and crawling all over her. I imagined Jena doing it but with our kids. The moment this thought came over me I felt my blood chill. Because I saw it as a reality. I could see myself, easily, spending the rest of my life with her. And here s what made it even more chilling. I had seen myself with Hope. Many times. And with Rikki and Rachel and Amanda. But then she looked at me with that big smile and dazzling eyes, and I knew it was a possibility. Oh, the joy of that day! If I could only feel it again! To remember it brings hurt. Some of us never feel that way. We live these boring lives in bad relationships. But some of us feel this, feel this completeness when we are around the one we were made for. I have felt this passionate longing, I have felt what true love is. I know it. Don t tell me I m wrong. You re not me and can t enter into my heart, especially now that I am gone. On that boat, when she looked at me, I feared nothing. As the wind rushed against my face and the waves split against the boat, the world was, even if but for a fleeting moment, perfect. Her laughter, her smile, her eyes& her soul. Perfection. I don t know about God, but at that moment, I prayed: Show me if she s the one. The boat slowed and the driver pointed. In the distance, a whale leapt out of the water, blue hide shimmering with a million silver droplets of water. A geyser of water erupted from its blowhole before it descended underneath the water. The little girls around Jena jumped up and down, clapping and ooing, and Jena grabbed one and swung her up, swung her in a circle, and set her down. She [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ] |